I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it. These sorts of off-the-wall jokes made Mitch Hedberg one of the most hilarious comedians of our time. Here’s a list of the best Mitch Hedberg quotes, taken from his various concert specials, television appearances, and CDs.
I don’t remember exactly when I became obsessed with Mitch Hedberg quotes, but by early 2004, I was driving my friends nuts because no matter what they were talking about, I’d throw in a relevant Hedberg joke, delivered in his unique style.
A large part of Mitch Hedberg’s appeal was his delivery, the way he often stressed the wrong syllables, or rambled incoherently, only to stumble upon the perfect joke at the end of his rambling. Mitch’s work contains a lot of profanity, but the joke content rarely goes beyond PG-13.
Here are some of the most memorable Mitch Hedberg quotes, taken mostly from his Comedy Central DVD video, his late-night talk show appearances, and his CDs Mitch All Together, Strategic Grill Locations and Do You Believe in Gosh? Check out his four-disc vinyl box set too.
Mitch Hedberg Quotes: List of His Best Jokes
Mitch Hedberg One-liners
I haven’t slept for ten days… because that would be too long.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
When someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kind of like they’re saying, “Here, you throw this away.”
Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
I like Kit Kats, unless I’m with four or more people.
The last time I called ‘shotgun’, we had rented a limo, so I f*ked up.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Mitch Hedberg Quotes About Gambling
I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling – I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I was at a casino standing by the door, and the security guard came over and said “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking the fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling. Come on, four billion! F*k, seven. Not even close. I need more dice! Four billion divided by six. At least.
Mitch Hedberg Jokes About Being a Comedian
I was on the Craig Kilborn show, and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and a guy came up and said “Dude, I saw you on TV last night!” But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good – he just confirmed that I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute. Then I turned it back and said, “Dude, I saw you at the airport. About a minute ago. You were good.”
When I think of something that’s funny, I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.
As a comedian you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the tricks. You can’t be like pancakes – all exciting at first, but then by the end, you’re f*king sick of them! I want to start a new comedy term: “He’s pancaking!”
The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when you’re not laughing. “Oh, Distinctive Laugh doesn’t think that joke was funny!”
Mitch Hedberg Food Jokes
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one. Cause by the time it’s done, who knows?
Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it’s a bullsh*t replica, cause dude didn’t even get his degree! Why’d you have to drop out and start making pop so soon?
If you’re a fish and you want to become a fish stick, you would have to have very good posture. You can’t be a slouchy fish, or you will be a fish clump. And they’re never popular at parties. “Hey Mitch, whatcha got on that hors d’oeuvre tray?” “Fish clumps.” “F*k, let me get a nacho…”
I used to buy a lot of M&Ms, but then I switched to aspirin. I find if you hand your friend two aspirin, he doesn’t look at you like you’re selfish.
A rotisserie is a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery. We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I’ll be damned if I’m not hungry, because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water. I like dizzy chicken!
You don’t have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I’m thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean no?
Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way: ‘Prices and participation may vary.’ I want to open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. I’ll say, “Cheeseburgers? Nope! We got spaghetti! And blankets! But we are not affiliated with that clown. He attracts too many children.”
I got so much tartar, I don’t have to dip my fish sticks in sh*t.
The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate!
Mitch Hedberg Quotes: Drug jokes
I like the FedEx driver because he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it. And he’s always on time. I like my drugs to have a tracking number. Then when my friend says, “Mitch, where’s the drugs?” I just say, “Call the 1-800 number.” “Your drugs were loaded onto a van at 7:30 AM and will arrive on time.” “Perfect, that’s what I paid for.”
People associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use… like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, “That guy eats cake. He is on bunt cake.” Mothers saying to their daughters, “Don’t bring the cake-eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?”
Mitch Hedberg Quotes: Music jokes
I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision, cause I didn’t know how to play it. So I was a sh*tty teacher. I would never have went to me.
I played in a death metal band. People either loved us or they hated us. Or they thought we were OK.
You know when you go to a concert and people get on stage and they jump into the crowd? People think that’s dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water. So the audience is 5% away from a pool.
Sometimes a man will have a special song in regards to a special lady. But this can backfire. Because maybe the song had a deeper meaning to begin with, and now it’s been cheapened. “We are the world, we are the children… Remember that song, baby? That night I f*ked you in the pet cemetery? That’s our song.”
Mitch Hedberg Quotes: Jokes about everyday domestic life
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load sh*t into a truck.
I have a belt that holds up my pants. But my pants have loops that hold up the belt. What’s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?
I think we should only get three honks a month on the car horn, because people honk the car horn too much. Three honks, that’s the limit. And then someone cuts you off, you press your horn, nothing happens, you’re like, “Sh*t! I wish I wouldn’t have seen Ricky on the sidewalk!”
I have a 2-in-1 shampoo, but 2-in-1 is a bullsh*t term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That’s why 2 was created. If it was 2-in-1, it would be overflowing. The bottle would be all sticky.
I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that’s the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actors would’ve said, “What the f*k am I supposed to do now? The water’s only up to here! What should I do, throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet?”
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.
Mitch Hedberg Quotes: Only Mitch could’ve thought of these jokes
I had a job interview, and the woman asked “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I said “Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question.”
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone gets scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
I got a business card. Because I wanna win some lunches. That’s what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner.
I have a king size bed. I don’t know any kings, but I guess if one came over, he’d be comfortable. “Oh, you’re a king, you say? Well you won’t believe what I have in store for you! It is to your exact specifications! I did not know you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your lady up too!”
Mitch Hedberg Quotes: Classic Mitch Humor
If you’re watching a parade, don’t follow it. It never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast forward the parade!
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that’s extra scary to me. Cause there’s a large, out-of-focus monster, roaming the countryside.
Mitch Hedberg Jokes About Other Countries
I like the American-Canadian border because if you’re walking along the border with your friend and you push your friend into Canada, he can’t push you back right away, because first he has to go through customs. “What brings you to Canada?” “That a*hole.” “When are you leaving?” “When I regain my equilibrium!”
I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins in all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.
I was in Kinney, Ireland, and they didn’t have anything American over there. But they did have a Subway sandwich shop. And that became the American Embassy to me. I would go out to a bar, p*ss off an Irish dude, then have him chase me to the Subway. I say, “Dude, I’m sorry, but you’re out of your jurisdiction. But you can have a Cold Cut Combo, though.”
Mitch Hedberg Quotes: His best three jokes
One time I bought a donut, and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don’t need a receipt for a donut. I’ll just give you the money and you give me the donut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I just cannot imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut. Some skeptical friend – “Don’t even act like I didn’t get that donut. I got the documentation right here!”
I saw this lady on tv. She was born without arms. She was literally born with her hands attached to her shoulders. And that was sad. But then they said, ‘Lola does not know the meaning of the word can’t.’ And that was actually kinda worse, in a way. Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn’t understand simple contractions!
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it gets busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, “Dufrene, party of two. Dufrene, party of two.” And if no one answers they’ll say the name again. “Dufrene, party of two.” But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You f*kers are selfish! The Dufrenes are in someone’s trunk right now. With duct tape over their mouths! And they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufrenes!
Bonus Mitch Jokes: A Few More Gems
I called the hotel operator and she said, “How can I direct your call?” I said, “Well, you could say ‘Action!’ and I’ll begin to dial. And when I say ‘Goodbye,’ then you can yell ‘Cut!'”
I was gonna stay over at my friend’s house. She says “You’re gonna have to sleep on the floor.” Damn gravity! Got me again. You don’t know how bad I wanna sleep on the wall!
I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, I’m gonna go shave too.
Mitch Hedberg Quotes: Summary
Mitch Hedberg was one of the most brilliant comedians of our time. Other comics loved his work. His tv appearances are readily available on YouTube. If you’re just getting acquainted with Mitch, do yourself a favor and check out his videos.
Hedberg’s widow, comedian Lynn Shawcroft, said a few years back that she has loads of unreleased Mitch recordings, both audio and videos, as well as his scribblings and notebooks. Some of it was released with the vinyl box set, but hopefully more of it will see the light of day soon!
Related reading: List of all Best Comedy Album Grammy winners